Yesterday I worked out with a new friend, my first new friend since being back in China. Her name is Lulu. She’s a professional fitness coach, and we trained glutes together. She asked if I wanted to join her because she needed a partner. I said sure, but only if you teach me how to be a partner, since I have no idea how to train. Honestly, it was my first time properly training glutes. Every time I’ve gone to the gym before, I’ve never really pushed myself to the point of tr

When I entered this café, I was secretly pleased to find it completely empty. But I spoke too soon. A well-dressed girl walked in right after me. She was pretty, her outfit carefully put together, her makeup was flawless. And yet she started scrolling TikTok with the sound blasting from her phone. I couldn’t help wondering how someone so meticulous in appearance would choose to break the quiet like that. I looked up at her. Just looked. I promise I wasn’t glaring. Somehow she

Long time no see, I’m back. It’s been nineteen days since I returned to China. Lately I found a café in Sanya, it feels like my little utopia. There aren’t many people here, maybe everyone is somewhere else celebrating the Chinese New Year. I actually have so many reflections I want to write down, but it hasn’t quite reached the point where words pour out like a spring. These days haven’t been easy. So many dense emotions and thoughts are settling quietly at the bottom of my

This year has only just begun, and yet I already feel like I’ve sneaked ahead a few times, collecting several small highlights. There are a few more highlights from the end of last year that I want to write about on their own. But for now, I’ll start with last night and today. While they’re still warm. While they still carry sea salt and the scent of fruit. Last night I was home alone, and I started painting. It had been a long time since I’d sat that quietly, slowly pressing

I would not say that 2025 was an easy year. But I am truly, deeply grateful for everything that happened during it. On New Year’s Eve, and on the first day of the new year, I was not happy. On the night of December 31, I planned to go to Copacabana to celebrate by the sea with Lucy and her friends. It took me a long time to get a car. The driver seemed unstable, mentally very chaotic. There was a kind of hatred in his eyes that frightened me. He kept talking to himself, swear

Every time I write down the date, it feels a little unreal. Time just keeps moving, little by little, quietly, and once it’s gone, it won’t come back. Today I suddenly thought of Beans. In that moment, I felt it so clearly and strongly: I’m truly grateful I met him. In those four months of living and traveling together, we went through love and emotions that were so intense, like a wave that pushed both of us deep into ourselves, and into each other. Yes, there was heartbreak

Lately it has been unbearably hot. I was in the living room with the fan on, the windows open, and I took a short nap. Before I fell asleep, I read some of the words I wrote past months, and suddenly I wanted to hold that version of myself. Just to pull her into my arms and tell her: you have tried so hard, you have progressed so much. Half asleep, I opened every window in my place. My new apartment sits halfway up the mountain. The wind moves through from different direction

Sometimes friends aren’t the people you see every day. They’re people who live in different corners of the same world—three years and many cities apart—yet one day, they are still opened by the same door. Three years ago, she and I added each other on WeChat in Argentina because of a mutual friend, “Tianniu.” Back then we hadn’t met, and we hadn’t even really had any deep conversations. We were simply watching each other’s lives from afar through Moments: bits of daily life,

Back in Rio now, in the new apartment. I don’t feel that strong “this is my home” feeling yet, but I also don’t feel like it’s unfamiliar or strange. My clothes were already sorted before I left, so coming back this time was mostly just throwing everything into the washing machine. I can’t find my bikini though. I think I left it at the old apartment in Botafogo. I happened to call my mom too. Today I also called a whole bunch of family members, and honestly it didn’t feel gr

Today I’m going to Paquetá Island with a few friends. The four of us met through Vipassana. Maybe we’ll do a small group meditation on the island. Who knows. The night before last, I missed Beans so much. I looked through so many of our memories, and of course I laughed, and then I cried. Before falling asleep, I kept thinking about the happiness I had with him. But during the night I had another nightmare, dreaming about the parts of him that once hurt me so deeply. Yesterda

Yesterday was genuinely happy. Since the breakup, I’ve been thinking the “romantic” part of me might be dead. But of course that’s impossible. I still get touched by romance in life: a tiny flower, a hike, the simple joy of being fully present with friends, the taste of mango, a dog by the roadside, the look a mother gives her child, a couple stealing a kiss, a meal I cooked, a performance at the theatre that hits you right in the chest… All of it makes my heart whisper, quie

This morning I was with Irati, who has somehow become my little trauma-bonding sister. We met on that hike to Pedra da Gávea – the day she didn’t bring enough water, I didn’t bring enough food, and neither of us had a guide. We ended up climbing a super steep part of the mountain on hands and feet, and still made it to the top together. That was the beginning of our friendship. After I got home and took a shower, I grabbed my backpack and went to a café, sat there quietly and

It is very hot today, and in the morning, during my yoga practice, I cried again. It wasn’t the kind of breakdown where you hurt so much that your brows knit together and you can’t stop sobbing. I was just sitting there cross-legged, eyes closed, doing nothing at all, and the tears simply kept falling, drop after drop. I found myself revisiting all those moments of anxiety, anger, arguments, and separation between us. Back then, I still really wanted us to open our hearts to

An afternoon and a night in Rio Written in Rio de Janeiro, at five twenty in the morning. It is three thirty in the morning right now. Today I had an extremely beautiful afternoon and evening, and then a night where I completely fell apart. Today I went to the botanical garden. It was truly beautiful. I saw so many plants and little animals I had never seen before. Just sitting there, I already felt calm and safe, wrapped in a very soft, healing feeling. I was thinking about

Last night I dreamed of many people, but the moment I woke up, all the images felt as if they had been rinsed away. No matter how I tried, I could no longer really remember them. I lay in bed with my eyes closed, feeling into my body, and suddenly realised that it is no longer like a few weeks ago, when waking up felt like falling straight into a dark, empty, endless well. Today it was simply waking up. Just waking up. Last night I was listening to a podcast by Mel Robbins. S

Back in Rio. Saturday morning feels pretty quiet. It’s a little after eight; I woke up sometime past seven. I didn’t get up right away, just stayed in bed for a while, feeling my body. No thinking, just sensing. Only when my body started saying, “I’m a bit thirsty,” and “I kinda need the bathroom,” did I slowly sit up and actually begin the day. At ten I have a Pilates class. A new speciality coffee shop just opened next to the yoga studio, and they’re doing a little collabor

Last night I took Ry, the older of the two little ones, out into the yard to paint with water made from boiled jabuticaba skins. I watched this child create so naturally, without hesitation. It’s such a beautiful thing to witness. I put on one of my favourite bands, Sigur Rós, a post-rock band from Reykjavík in Iceland, and then I just lay down in the yard, quietly watching his brushstrokes, watching how he let lines and colours land on the paper. The night air, the music, a

On a whim, I decided to go to Saquarema to visit my friend Emma and her family. I’ve been missing them, and I’ve also been missing the nourishment that comes from being surrounded by so much nature, and I wanted to play with the two little ones again. I brought some paints with me, and I’m also planning to boil jabuticaba skins to make a kind of natural pigment, so we can paint together. The two little ones in her family have completely different personalities: The older brot

In this moment I’m at Rio Novo station. I just spontaneously decided to go visit my friend Emma and her family. I’ve been missing the countryside, and I’ve been missing them too. I want to sit and paint with the two kids, cook together with my friends, and then head back to Rio on Friday. This morning I had a little panic moment: my bank card suddenly got blocked. The whole thing actually started yesterday. I was trying to buy contact lenses online, the payment had already go

It’s December now, the last month of 2025. I hadn’t dreamt of Beans for two days. Last night he showed up again. In the dream he was very sad. I wanted so, so much to hold him, to wrap my arms around him, but somehow there was always something in between us, blocking us from really reaching each other. When I woke up I felt really sad, but I was in a rush to go to my yoga class, so I didn’t have much time to stay inside that sadness. In yoga, I cried again. I placed my hand o