21/12/25

Back in Rio now, in the new apartment.

I don’t feel that strong “this is my home” feeling yet, but I also don’t feel like it’s unfamiliar or strange.

My clothes were already sorted before I left, so coming back this time was mostly just throwing everything into the washing machine. I can’t find my bikini though. I think I left it at the old apartment in Botafogo.

I happened to call my mom too. Today I also called a whole bunch of family members, and honestly it didn’t feel great. There was that familiar discomfort and pressure when talking to my uncle, the awkward distance with my aunt and other relatives, and the guilt I feel around my grandma is still so strong. I genuinely don’t know if going back is the right choice.

I think it is.

All those family issues I’ve been avoiding for years, I can’t keep running from them forever. Some things need a new beginning before you can truly let them go.

And on a practical level, I need to reissue my bank cards and sort out documents, and also plan next year a bit, like applying for a Schengen visa from China.

Last night, I don’t know why, I suddenly decided to cut my hair by myself.

About 10cm.

Right after I did it, I felt so refreshed, like, wow, that felt amazing.

Then today I touched my hair and it felt so short and so light, and suddenly I got really sad.

I wanted to cry.

I felt like I lost something that was part of my beautiful hair.

It took so long for my hair to grow again.

Why did I just cut it off?

It felt like I lost a piece of myself.

Cutting hair is such a metaphor, isn’t it.

Some things have to be let go so there’s space for something new.

Today I called Lau after I came back to Rio.

We talked about her family’s plan in Rio, and our Christmas Eve dinner plan, and just how we’ve both been lately. She said she was surprised that after two months, my pain is still this intense, and I still can’t open my romantic heart, or the desire in my body, to anyone else.

Because before, it wasn’t like this.

Maybe I’ve grown.

Or maybe this is just who Shikin is right now.

I know separating from Beans is good for both of us, but it still hurts so much.

I’m still grieving.

This weekend at my friend Emma’s place, I felt so comfortable, as always. We picked over a hundred mangoes, I swear. The two little ones got even closer to me. Sebi, who’s just a bit over one, sometimes brings me a comb and asks me to comb his hair. He just stands there and starts drooling, it’s ridiculous, so cute. And I bought them some paintbrushes. Rebi loved them, just drawing and drawing.

Before I left, I hugged Emma and told her, truly, thank you.

She said, no need, and thank you too. We all love having you here. Anytime you want to come, just come.

I got into the Uber and cried again, then cried all the way to the bus station, wiped my tears, bought my ticket, and came back to Rio.

Last Thursday, I went to Ilha de Paquetá with a few friends. The plan was that Julian, Shanti, and I would take the 1:20pm boat, and Gui would take the 3:30 one. But Julian and I missed ours. By the time we arrived at the port, the boat had literally just left.

We looked at each other and instantly agreed, wait, we’ve never been to Museu do Amanhã, right? Let’s go.

There was such a beautiful exhibition that day.

The museum’s main exhibition, From the Cosmos to Us, is an immersive multimedia journey, it makes you sit with the most basic and also the deepest questions:

Where do we come from?

Who are we?

Where are we now?

Where are we going?

What kind of future do we want?

The current temporary exhibitions and activities were ocean themed. And honestly, I wanted to cry so many times in this exhibition.

Yes, Beans and I dove together. The last country we were in before we split was Honduras. He finished his AOW course there, and I thought he was soo adorable. I was so proud of him.

To be honest, most of my diving and whale watching experiences weren’t even with him. They were from way before I met him, when I was single. But inside that exhibition, surrounded by that full-body, immersive ocean feeling, I still don’t know why, I kept remembering Taganga, Nuquí, Roatán, Utila, those moments with him.

What am I missing, really?

Beans, or what he represents?

That intimacy, that familiarity, that feeling of home?

We were so absorbed in the museum that we almost missed the second ferry too, the one we were supposed to take to meet Gui. We tried to get an Uber to the pier but traffic was insane.

So we got out and ran.

The two of us running and laughing like kids.

Somehow we made it.

On the way, the three of us crossed by the Niterói bridge. Julian kept leaning his body out toward the open air, like he was genuinely enjoying the raindrops hitting his face. Gui and I sat together and talked nonstop. We shared one plum, and a bunch of tortillas. We talked about China, about our college roommates, about what’s been going on in our lives, and also a lot of what’s going on inside us. I like talking with Gui. It feels easy, and interesting, and comfortable.

Later the four of us met up on the island. Julian and I hadn’t eaten yet. A lot of places were closed because it was the island’s 470th birthday. Gui and Shanti went off first with bikes and explore. Julian and I bought these bright, gorgeous tomatoes, then a sandwich and a burger, and sat down at a chess table to eat.

He is gentle, sensitive, funny, slowly opening up.

After that we just followed intuition and walked.

No plan.

We picked up so many pretty flowers. I kept giving them meanings, like I always do. He laughed. We walked with no destination, and then somehow we ran into Gui again, because it’s truly such a tiny island. The three of us ended up at a church and joined the birthday celebration.

The atmosphere was so harmonious and beautiful. So many aunties and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, singing together. At some point I felt completely filled with love and warmth. The people on that little island love their home so much. You can feel their belonging, their pride, their identity.

It was drizzling outside. I don’t know why, but Gui and I started dancing in the rain.

It was truly beautiful.

And later they even invited us to eat cake.

We had said we’d meet up with Shanti, but if we went, we might miss the last boat again, so in the end we just sat near the station and meditated for a while. Shanti arrived at the pier too. We hugged, and said goodbye.

On the way back, Julian and I had all kinds of deep talks. I hope I didn’t make him uncomfortable.

On that ride, I got a message from someone I’ve met three times.

Being around him feels comfortable.

He told me he had an idea, to do an adventure together, and suggested we call to talk about it.

At that moment I was still so unsure about everything.

Was I going to Saquarema on the weekend to see friends, or staying in Rio?

Was I going to stay in the old apartment or move out right away, and all those other messy questions.

Should I stay in Rio and wait for my new friend Heloa to arrive and celebrate her BD?

Before Christmas, I just felt completely without direction.

When we called, he told me even though we’ve only just met, and even though I’m in this “on the road” kind of life right now, he wants to share more than just two hours at a time. He wants to know me better.

He said he notices I always have plans, so he thought of a few options we could do together, and he wanted to ask me, to see if I’d be open to it, and also to plan and shape it together.

I thanked him for being so sincere and thoughtful.

I told him I feel good when I’m with him.

I also told him I broke up two months ago, and right now it feels like the romantic part of Shikin is gone, and I’m still crying every day.

He was gentle and kind.

He thanked me for opening up.

He said yes, two months is not long, it makes sense that it still hurts.

He told me not to push myself too hard.

He said this is part of me, and he wants to know me, so I shouldn’t worry.

I said, okay.

Let’s talk about this adventure.

It will be a three-day little trip, to Serra da Mantiqueira.

Yesterday when I was in Saquarema, I still had those waves of sadness. He happened to text me and I just told him honestly, I get really sad from time to time, it's my journey and stage. I know what he’s seen so far is the happy Shikin, the good mood Shikin, the calm Shikin, not the Shikin who has been falling apart everyday for two months.

He said, but that’s all you.

And don’t worry.

This trip isn’t that long.

If you need support, I’m here.

If you need space, I understand and I’ll give it to you.

Don’t overthink it.

I planned a really great adventure.

I think you’ll love it.

On the bus ride back, I cried so hard.

No one was sitting next to me, and even if there were, I don’t think I would’ve cared.

I really, really need to cry.

Okay. I gotta go, the adventure begins.