12/12/25

This morning I was with Irati, who has somehow become my little trauma-bonding sister. We met on that hike to Pedra da Gávea – the day she didn’t bring enough water, I didn’t bring enough food, and neither of us had a guide. We ended up climbing a super steep part of the mountain on hands and feet, and still made it to the top together.

That was the beginning of our friendship.

After I got home and took a shower, I grabbed my backpack and went to a café, sat there quietly and studied a bit of Portuguese. Jajaja, yes, I’m finally learning Portuguese btw.

Today I was walking on the street, and suddenly my headphones started playing the rap ( Starburster by Fontaines D.C. ) we used to sing together with Beans. As I remembered us, I couldn’t help laughing to myself while I walked, we really did have some very happy memories.

Today they were cutting down a huge tree right in front of my building, and behind the building there’s a construction site knocking down a whole block. One side was the sound of chainsaws, the other side was constant banging. The whole street felt like it was changing. Watching that big tree being sliced apart bit by bit made me really sad. I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and played brown noise. Later I hid in to that small café, writing and reading.

After a few hours there, I finally tried the famous “por kilo” lunch (you pay by weight). Today I ate 16 reais’ worth, hahaha. Lately I’ve actually been eating pretty well – simple, cozy, and kind of nourishing.

Yesterday there was also a little bit of joy.

During the day I went to the beach and did absolutely nothing, just lay there the whole day, used mango peels as a face mask, and played altinho with some strangers.

In the evening I went to a beautiful performance at this slightly hippie resto-café-bar. With a guy I met for the second time, we ordered a bottle of white wine, because it was so hot yesterday, and I couldn't remember when was the last time I drank (it was in Oaxaca, with my landlords/amigos, and Mike).

We shared a lot of very deep conversation, back and forth. I started telling him about a dream I’d had during Vipassana, and halfway through I just began to cry.

Honestly, I’ve been in this “crying every day” phase lately. The other day I went for a massage and ended up crying when she was pressing on my back.

He gave me a very warm hug, and I just stayed there, letting my tears slowly flow for a while.

Still, when I think about it, I really do feel like I’m getting better.

I can feel my desire to do things coming back: I want to go out and watch a new film, I want to text my friends and check in on them, I want to be a little more in the world again.

Ah, I just realised I only have eight minutes before my yoga class starts.

Gotta stop here for now, time to run to yoga!

Today my roommate was sick, so I cooked him a pot of fish and tomato congee, my inner tia (auntie / caretaker mode) just came out.

I still spend a lot of time feeling sad every day, but I’m trying to give myself time.