1/12/25

It’s December now, the last month of 2025.

I hadn’t dreamt of Beans for two days. Last night he showed up again.

In the dream he was very sad. I wanted so, so much to hold him, to wrap my arms around him, but somehow there was always something in between us, blocking us from really reaching each other.

When I woke up I felt really sad, but I was in a rush to go to my yoga class, so I didn’t have much time to stay inside that sadness.

In yoga, I cried again.

I placed my hand over my heart, gently soothing her, and I said to her: “It’s okay. I know you’re in pain. I’m here with you.”

In those quiet, very present moments, I suddenly remembered a conversation I had a few months ago with Murray about intimacy and relationships.

I told him about how Beans wanted to be exclusive with me, and how I did feel very close to him, but there was still something unsure from my gut, something that didn’t fully land for me.

Murray said to me: “You need to be able to say a clear yes from a positive place, to know, clearly and consciously, that you want to be with him. And it’s okay to feel like intimate relationships are super important, our primal drive is survival and reproduction. It’s just that as you grow stronger, you won’t be so consumed by these two drives anymore.”

Before we officially got together, my biggest worries about Beans were these:

1. He had already been in a long-term relationship and a marriage. That made me feel insecure. A third of his life had been lived with this person, that level of intimacy, love, and partnership… would it already be carved deep into his being?

   And he told me himself how amazing she is, how much he loved her, how he would always be there for her, and he called her "my wife" even they've devorced.

2. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if he really knew what he was doing.

Around intimacy, love, his relationship with his family, and even how he saw himself, a lot of the things he said felt to me as if they were built on some kind of fiction. When I expressed my own views, clearly and with respect, he would often have this “lightbulb moment” reaction: “Oh! You’re right, I never saw it that way.”

I was happy that he was getting to know himself more deeply. But when it came to what he said he wanted to build with me, I was worried that his words were just… words. That he didn’t fully understand what he was saying and doing in a grounded way.

3. I also wondered, deep down, if he had this very “Scorpio-style” way of dealing with things, not really expressing his dissatisfaction or negative emotions, but later letting it drip out as a kind of hidden resentment.

4. Was he willing to take responsibility for himself?

Or would he stay stuck in that same narrative:

“It’s because of him that I…”

“It’s because of her that I…”

“It’s because of you that I…”

All of this was the source of my hesitation about our relationship (on his side), and one of the reasons why, in the beginning, I didn’t want to officially commit to being together.

Of course, I also have a lot of questions and issues on my own side, but that’s not what I want to write about right now; I’ve already spent so much time going through my own stuff again and again.

Right now, I’ll write about my dreams.

I remember that even before we broke up, there was a period where I was already having a lot of nightmares.

And after we separated, I had countless dreams about him.

Let me write down the ones I can still remember most clearly right now.

In Guatemala, we had some very deep conversations about a few topics. He told me very clearly that there were some things he would do, even if they would hurt me.

I felt that was very dark. I started to feel like this relationship was not worthy of me, and really hurtful, but I still couldn’t let go at that time.

My dreams during that period were also very dark:

I dreamt I was with my dear friend Bern, stopping at a fashion buyer’s collection.

Bern is one of the male friends who makes me feel very safe and very loved. In the dream he raised his voice and said to me:“Shikin, can you wake up a little? What he feels for you is not love. If it were love, he wouldn’t keep doing things he knows are hurting you.”

That same night I dreamt there was a huge black rat on the beam of the ceiling. Its face suddenly twisted into something terrifying and it lunged towards me.

I woke up in shock.

Before I went to Mexico, Beans and I were physically apart, and we had a lot of conflict. Some days were good, some days were really bad.

We both had so many things to deal with, and our emotions were all over the place.

One day he got really angry with me and exploded. He told me that he felt more resentment than love towards me, that he didn’t want to be kind or loving with me at all, that when he was nice to me it was because he was forcing himself to make me feel good.

He didn’t want to talk about our fights or our issues.

He threw out one sentence: “Take it or leave it.”

In that moment I felt an enormous wave of confusion, abandonment, and loneliness.

That was also the moment I realised and decided that I couldn’t stay in this relationship anymore, because this wasn’t intimacy.

The fear and pain were already far bigger than the love and joy.

After that, I started dreaming that we got back together, that he became that loving version of himself again, and that we were very close.

I had the same dream over and over, and every time I woke up crying.

I also dreamt about his coldness, and about him blaming me for his own behaviours, blaming me for the things he did.

Later I went to a Vipassana retreat, ten days of breaking down, every day.

During that time, I dreamt he was together with his “best” female friend whom he "had feelings with", and that he was going to leave me. In the dream I told him how much it hurt, and he just said: “Oh, that’s your problem.”

I also had dreams where we reconciled.

In one dream, I was running together with that loving version of him, and the dream turned into a lucid dream. We were running across rooftops, and behind us the terrifying version of him was chasing us. At some point I realised we were in a dream, and I said to him: “Trust me. It’s okay. Let’s jump together and we can get rid of the problem.” And then I woke up.

Later, I came back to Rio, still breaking down every day.

We had a phone call and we apologised to each other. I shared some of my Vipassana experiences, and my reflections about our relationship. He told me how his life had been, and he also told me that his heart felt empty, that he had no love left to give me.

I told him not to force himself, and to generate love for himself first. I still believe that’s the most important thing.

Since then, my dreams have been like this:

We’re over the moon, all of our problems have disappeared, and it’s like we’ve levelled up into a new, deeper stage of intimacy;

I dreamt we were diving together, suddenly he vanished, and I was alone in the ocean. The water turned black, I was freezing. I saw a huge fish, only half a body, just the head, no body and no tail, slowly swimming towards me. I was terrified;

I dreamt I met him in Brazil, and when I asked him about his plans, he suddenly started yelling at me in anger;

I dreamt I was at the airport, getting ready to take a flight to go and be with him, but at every single step something went wrong, and in the end I couldn’t get on the plane;

I also dreamt we met again, and he invited me to spend Christmas and New Year with his family in SP. He told me he wanted to build a home with me. My heart immediately answered: “Yes! Yes! Yes!”But in the dream, I had an apartment in Rio, and there was a horse living in my apartment. She was suffocating there, terrified, deeply unsettled. I knew I couldn’t go with him yet, because I had to first find an outdoor place for this horse, where she could breathe freely and feel safe. I still hadn’t found that place. And at the same time, I knew that if I didn’t go with him now, I would lose him. Then I woke up;

I also dreamt that I woke up and we were hugging. In the dream, he was still my love, my closest companion, my home.

We were very happy, and both of us had those loving, smiling eyes;

I dreamt I was in Antarctica, and a colleague asked me: “Have you gotten your zodiac licence yet?”

I said I hadn’t really thought about becoming an expedition guide.

Suddenly I saw thirty or forty humpback whales and I said: “Let’s go over there!!”

We drove towards them, and then we were surrounded by all these whales. I felt incredibly empowered;

I dreamt that Beans and I were in North Africa, I didn’t know if it was Tunisia or Morocco. We had rented a place and the landlord was trying to scam us. Beans was really angry and tense. I said to him: “Baby, don’t worry, let’s do xxx like this.”

Then the problem was solved, Beans wasn’t tense anymore, he relaxed, and we hugged;

Last night, 30/11, I dreamt I met Beans again.

He cried.

In my dream, I already had new friends, a new community, a new life.

I didn’t long for him in my life anymore.

The idea of “us” didn’t really exist in my heart anymore.

But when I saw him, I still felt so sad, and I cried too.

Then I woke up.

These are the dreams I can remember for now.

There are many more, but I don’t want to force myself to dig them all up.

I don’t think I’ll come back to reread this blog entry either.

I just wanted to write it down.

I’m really tired.

Right now I’m sitting in a café.

When I hear the person at the next table say “my wife”, my body still reacts automatically with disgust and nausea.

I still suddenly remember those moments when we were both so angry and lost control, and those scenes feel deeply regretful to me.

Sometimes I also have these brief, blurry moments where I realise how far away “we” already are.

And yet, I also know that we once had so much love that was pure, beautiful, and authentic.

We both tried our best to make this relationship healthier and longer-lasting.

There must have been a reason for our short time together.

We both learned a lot.

I’m very grateful for this love.

I did truly, deeply love him.

And that is enough.

I don’t want to keep writing.

I’m tired, and I still have many things to do.