Autumn Argentina, September

September, I am in Argentina.

This is my first blog, and it's about the fall, my trip to Mexico, Tango, an unbearably light feeling, and a sense of belongingness.

Oh, and I'm now 26.

I always imagined visiting Argentina at a special time in my life, but I unexpectedly ended up in Mexico in March. Since I was there already, there was no reason not to travel to South America.

Brazil? Colombia? Chile? Peru?

I've always wanted to visit Argentina, so why not just do that?

Obelisco

And why Argentina?

Something along those lines: people, food, wine, tango, culture, and nature. I just randomly choose a few phrases from there every time someone asks me why Argentina as if it were a pattern. The more I was asked this question, the more I just said, "Why not?" because I couldn't think of anything else to say. I begrudge my time and energy; life is not as long as we think, and I love witnessing my growth, journey, and experiences.

Mid-Autumn Festival

This year's Mid-Autumn Festival was on September 10. Laura and I went to my favourite dim sum restaurant in BA. We met in Mexico City back in July, she came here for the Mundial de Tango Competition, and she definitely brightened up my life in Argentina.

19/9/22 in BA

Our shared interests bonded us and we were like sisters during our time together.

foto: by @sohu

Mid-Autumn Festival has always been my favourite Chinese traditional festival because it honours the cycle of life, it is the season in which I was born, and how breathtakingly beautiful Autumn is in my hometown. Strolling along the leaf-covered paths is one of the most enjoyable things about autumn, with the leaves appearing in shades of forest green, olive green, bright yellow, amber, alloy orange, maroon, and raw umber.

It's also the different stages of life.

foto: by @sohu

Another reason I adore the Mid-Autumn Festival is that, ever since I was a little girl, I have gotten together with family and friends for reunion dinners. Later that evening, we set up moon cakes, fruits, and tea ceremonies in our garden to worship the moon together.

One of my favourite activities is when my uncle shakes the apple tree and the apples fall onto the large blanket, everyone was amid giggling, chatting, and kids chasing each other.

I grew up little by little, year by year, under this apple tree.

2017 Autumn

With the temperature hovering around 15°C, it is a very calm and peaceful experience to watch the moon at night in this weather. The summer heat is fading, and I can almost feel the approaching winter. Since it will soon be bitter, the Winter makes me take full beautiful advantage of the late autumn. There is a different feeling and beauty of my hometown's winter, which averages around minus 30 degrees.

mi amor, Carl

Since I started boarding school when I was 5 and rarely saw my family, then moved to Beijing when I was 14, the get-togethers were always cherished. Even though I'm away from home, my family and I have a very close emotional bond. We communicate our love and misses through postcards, letters, and video calls that span time zones.

However, it is unusual to be close to my family that I can see them and give them a physical hug.

I can't help weeping as I write this. It's been a while since the last time I was in the arms of my family.

Outside the window of Grandpa's ward

For my family,

Mid-Autumn 2018,

The moon is no longer round because the family is no longer complete.

Mum said her memories often drifted back to that afternoon when the wind was blowing, the sun was cold and blinding, and the boundless leaves shed shower by shower.

The poem 《水调歌头》 by Su Shi (Song Dynasty) goes, "人有悲欢离合，月有阴晴圆缺，此事古难全".

( Men have sorrow and joy; they part or meet again; The moon is bright or dim and she may wax or wane. There has been nothing perfect since the olden days.)

My grandpa passed away ten days after Mid-Autumn Festival in 2018, and ever since then, there hasn't been a full moon during Mid-Autumn Festival for me.

Everyone advises us to appreciate the moment we're at, but I'm open about how I really feel. I feel as if a significant piece of my heart has been lost, and I agree that "men have sorrow and joy" and that I must accept the fact that I can no longer embrace him. This has caused me to cry countless nights, made me feel depressed and overwhelmed, and made me afraid that I will face the same situation repeatedly in the future.

I must stop writing right now; I am unable to go on.

I think of a poem I read four years ago:

如果每个人都是一颗小星球，

逝去的亲友就是身边的暗物质。

我愿能再见你，

我知我再见不到你。

但你的引力仍在。

我感激我们的光锥曾彼此重叠，

而你永远改变了我的星轨。

——科学松鼠会

If each person is a small planet,

the friends and relatives who have passed away are the dark matter around us.

I wish I could see you again,

I know I won't see you again,

But your gravity is still there.

I am grateful that our light cones overlapped.

And you've changed my star orbital forever.

Journey in Mexico

Holbox, Mexico

I flew for 33 hours before landing in Mexico in March to meet Z. I am grateful for the many wonderful memories we shared because they taught me how to give, respect, listen, and accept.

But one day I realised that he thought he was and was supposed to be the only factor of my happiness; well, that is just not possible. The source of my happiness is everywhere, literally everywhere—a significant book, a mountain, nature, the ocean, dancing, stories, plants, conversations, friends, my neighbour's cat, a butterfly I see in the park, the moon and the sun... I would prefer that others not have expectations for me if that is out of my principles, which make everything come with conditions.

I made the decision to move on from Tulum and carry on my exploration of Mexico.

Having made this choice,

I was shocked by his actions and words.

At that moment,

My self-defence was left behind.

The next two weeks were self-reflecting: what had I done to bring about this circumstance; what was my problem; how can I improve; how can I protect myself next time?

But I was incredibly insecure at the time.

The person who was close to me, whom I had identified as beautiful and loving, could be hurtful.

In those times, there was a murder that a Chinese woman traveller who was raped and killed in Cancun.

At that time, there was a horrifying act of violence against women committed in Tangshan, China.

Period pains, sore breasts, and childbirth are all physical destinies that come with being a woman. We carry the pain within ourselves throughout our lives.

I talked to my therapist, did some introspection, and still didn't feel any safer.

I thought of myself as a delicate bird that was always fluttering, travelling, and being by myself.

I didn't stay blue for long, though. New experiences, new acquaintances, hiking, discovering Mexican Mayan culture, rock climbing, scuba diving, the outdoors, etc.

There were a few memories during my time in Mexico that I wanted to record.

7/4/22

Cancun

I suppose that at my core, I'm the ultimate romantic.

I'm currently keeping a journal while sitting on the steps leading up to the rooftop balcony of my Airbnb.

Cats meowing, insects buzzing, and occasionally people walking by passersby.

a couple strolling slowly and whispering while carrying a baby;

Determined cats sauntering by;

A single man in a white shirt riding a bicycle;

All-around tranquilly.

Cancun, Mexico

Oh yes, I am currently in Mexico.

Since I'm not carrying my phone with me, I have no idea what time it is. I acted incredibly stupid today, I had a glass of wine and got tipsy, happily dove into the sea with my phone while I was by myself on the island of Isla Mujeres in Mexico. Then my phone stopped working and I was unable to charge it. In essence, I was unable to communicate with people.

I took a shower, but my phone still wasn't charged later. My landlord, a kind elderly grandmother, with her son, who was past middle age, all resided downstairs. I didn't want to wake them up since they were already asleep.

I decided to go for a walk with my wet hair, and 200 pesos, about $10.

It seemed like the entire town was asleep because it was so quiet and tidy. But you can smell cat poop in some of the streets when you walk through them. (Even as I sit here and write in my diary, I can smell it.)

I was by myself on the streets without the slightest bit of uneasiness.

I wasn’t thinking about what I'm going to do if my phone doesn't work...

How to decide where to go during the day...

How to fix my phone without a translator...

How to check in at the following hotel...

How to...

I didn't even consider them.

Since right now, even the air feels calming and secure, I'd rather not waste time worrying about the future.

I'll let tomorrow's me worry about tomorrow's issues.

I'm not sure how long I've been walking, but there were a few small restaurants that are still open.

I sit outside and enjoy the night breeze while listening to an old and corny Spanish song.

Tulum, Mexico

The lady had soft, calm gazes that were also introspective. She was wearing a flower headpiece with a hint of girlish cuteness.

She smiled and nodded in response as I ordered three tacos with my miserable Spanish.

I took this photo after two months when I came back to Cancun

I forgot how to say the drink I like, in both English (hibiscus) and Spanish (jamaica), so her son handed me his phone to translate. When I typed in "local red drink," the young boy was confused at first, but then confidently went to grab me a bottle of cola. The funny teenager reminded me of Primo Yuan when he was in high school.

Later, three young fellows help me to order a drink called horchata. It is a sweet drink with Spanish origins that is made from soaked, ground, and sweetened nuts/rice and is also popular in Latin America.

Auntie was making my tacos in front of me with care, she even gave me an extra spoonful of meat.

“cebolla?”

“si!”

“cilantro?”

“si!”

She generously garnished my meal with coriander and onions.

I couldn't help but smile as I heard the three amigos giggling all the time. The 7-8 pots in front of them were made of the type of stone dzong used to grind spices into sauces with various flavours.

They described to me each sauce in English, including the hottest green chilli sauce.

Due to my curiosity, I started adding all kinds of sauces, forgetting what how spicy they just told me. My spicy tolerance was "whooed" by them, being a bit cocky "I'm from China, so, of course, I can handle spicy food."

The three of them screamed "noooooo!" as I added the hottest green chilli sauce.

What an adorable group of people! I didn't feel uncomfortable without my phone, and I was ready to enjoy the tacos. The meat was a little bit too dry. However, it appears that I've stopped being an idealist. When I was younger and constantly pursuing ideals, I might have kept telling myself that would be better if the taco was juicy for this beautiful night.

What's the point? Even the food isn't perfect, so what? The lady is so lovely and I don't mind if my dinner isn't 100% delicious; it doesn't detract from the elegance of the evening.

The three young fellows said hasta luego (see you later) and left, still laughing and joking, and I watched their backs as they walked through the streets, occasionally jostling and pushing, reminding me of my school days years ago.

It was the same, a couple of friends were there, laughing and eating and talking at the corner store. The owner would always give us a few extra pieces of Kanto.

Chichén Itzá, Mexico

I suddenly realised I wasn't looking for my comfort zone anymore.

From my childhood comfort zone was "family" to "friends" to "hometown" to "boyfriend" to "China" to "England" to...

I have been gradually stepping out of my comfort zone at every stage. Every time when I first went outside my comfort zone, I felt incredibly uneasy and as though there was no way to free myself up to experience the moment in a way that was enjoyable.

Merida, Mexico

I still recall, when I was 14 years old and moving to Beijing, how I sobbed secretly at night because I missed my family.

I still recall staying in touch with my family and first boyfriend all the time after just moving to the UK.

I still recall after the breakup, how I locked myself in my room and wept in the dark.

I still clearly recall missing Sheffield when I moved to London.

After I started travelling, I recall missing my home in London and the people.

I accept that I don't have such a strong character, there is nothing wrong, this is just me.

The local market is always my favourite

Even though I feel utterly miserable every time I leave my comfort zone, it seems that I keep going anyway, forcing myself to take life seriously even when it is uncomfortable.

I went out buying flowers, keeping my journal, being eager to learn, and being brave to keep exploring and loving.

New friends from kayaking, became my travelling buddies afterwards

Bacalar, Mexico

In exploring Mexico on my own, I experienced novelty, unease, loneliness, and friendship. Despite being sensitive, and emotional, I'm not retiring.

17/7/22

Volcán Tacaná, Chiapas

A fifteen-hour hike. The whole time, apart from paying attention to my breathing, adjusting the pace of the hike, and enjoying nature, there was a lot of meditation and self-reflection.

Chiapas, Mexico

“Mountains should be climbed with as little effort as possible and without desire. The reality of your own nature should determine the speed. If you become restless, speed up. If you become winded, slow down. You climb the mountain in an equilibrium between restlessness and exhaustion. Then, when you’re no longer thinking ahead, each footstep isn’t just a means to an end but a unique event in itself. This leaf has jagged edges. This rock looks loose. From this place, the snow is less visible, even though closer. These are things you should notice anyway. To live only for some future goal is shallow. It’s the sides of the mountain which sustain life, not the top. Here’s where things grow.

But of course, without the top, you can’t have any sides. It’s the top that defines the sides. So on we go—we have a long way—no hurry—just one step after the next—with a little Chautauqua for entertainment —

Mental reflection is so much more interesting than TV, it’s a shame more people don’t switch over to it. They probably think what they hear is unimportant but it never is.”

—Robert M. Pirsig

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values

Day 1

We arrived at the campsite at 6 o'clock in the evening, a little chilly, a little worn out, and a little—no, a lot—lonely.

The other members of the group were all in pairs and had their own language, I was the only one on my own. I was travelling alone at the time, so I knew it was my decision, and I didn't feel anything negative about it.

I frequently converse with nature, but this mountain made me feel cold and disconnected. It wasn't a gentle and loving mountain. Maybe the bad weather, the altitude, the discomfort, and the extreme loneliness had something to do with it. But somehow I was at peace since being in such solitude didn't seem to be something I couldn't overcome at that moment.

In the past, if I were in this situation, I would have felt like it would be nice to have someone around and become sadder the more I thought about it. I simply said, "Yeah, I accept the sadness and loneliness of the moment, it's ok," back then instead of feeling that way.

Day 2

Everyone was prepared at midnight, and we all stood there in silence, giving thanks to the planet and praying for the strength to climb the mountain.

I unexpectedly witnessed a shooting star crossing the sky.

I made a wish, a simple one, to be safe.

It began at one in the morning. It was fairly simple and easy at first. However, at a high altitude around two in the morning, I began to lose track of everyone, even though I had no intention of attempting to keep up. I just wanted to breathe and push away the discomfort I was feeling in my body. Loneliness and fear gradually began to encircle me. I was well-prepared for this hike, but at that moment I still felt so scared that I wished I had someone I loved with me.

The leader carried my bag away without saying a word.

My tears flowed silently in the darkness.

“It's your road and yours alone, others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.”

by Rumi

I'm not embarrassed to admit that I'm lonely.

I enjoy it,

I'm terrified of it,

I enjoy being by myself,

I also enjoy interacting with others: Friends, family, fascinating individuals, and romantic individuals...

The people on this hike were all couples or friends, so I strongly wished to have someone with me.

However, I hope my longing for companionship is not stemmed from loneliness.

I wish this person to be someone I genuinely look forward to, and who also looks forward to me.

Someone who is willing to share time, thoughts and emotions together, whether ups or downs.

Someone who respects and accepts themself first and then me.

Someone who makes me feel safe and trusted.

Someone who makes me feel heard, interested, and desired.

Someone who admires and loves themself first and then me.

And I will do the same.

From what I can remember, that's quite a bit.

I met Pooja in South Florida and both of us shed tears when we talked about unconditional love. How fortunate you are to find someone who accepts you for who you are and will be happy for you in your own happiness, no matter what stage of life you are in.

What a blessing to have someone like this, regardless of the type of relationship.

I enjoy hearing stories, meeting new people, and learning things from them. However, I am also stingy with my time. I despise small talk and superficial relationships, and I wouldn't bother if there was no interest or value in it. I prefer to spend this time on my own.

In fact, solitude is my choice!

However, when I'm with someone I like or connect with, I don't cut corners with my feelings or time, and when we're apart, I let myself be emotional and sad because I know it is temporary. Everyone is a unique individual; you have your own life, and I have mine; you love yours, and I love mine. If we are lucky enough to meet again, we should be grateful; if we never meet again, those memories are more than enough.

All the suffering on the way was worth it when we finally arrived at the top and saw the sunrise.

I suppose the idea of hiking or living is lost when the goal is to keep up with the person in front of you.

Regardless, this was the first time I had ever hiked and meditated for so long. Even though I proceeded very slowly, I'm glad I did it—and who said it had to be done quickly?

It appears that during these 15 hours, I have had a very small taste of vipassana, touching my desires and fears and accepting myself.

7/2022

My fear

I planned to take a break from the soreness of the hike when I got to Puerto Escondido, a surf town with a hippie vibe. However, I had a really bad case of food poisoning. I had never been so terrified, the two French girls I met are medical students, and they reassured me that I would be okay after resting. Even so, I was on edge, even paranoid, I was travelling alone in a foreign country, and being ill made things even scarier. I had to brace myself for the worst.

In case they needed it, I asked them to write down the ambulance number, and I also gave them my sister's contact information. The thought of losing consciousness or passing away terrified me at that time, as did the thought of my loved ones suffering if something bad happened to me.

At midnight, after some sugar, water, and rest, I felt better physically.

However, the fear was so oppressive that it felt like a heavy cloud had been hanging over my world for days, and I had no idea how to get rid of it.

I spoke to Thierry (a friend I met in Tulum), about my situation.

"Where is the next stop?"

"Oaxaca city."

"I will meet you there."

That night's trip to Oaxaca City was also difficult; it took ten hours, and I would have preferred a cosy ADO autobus with reclining seats. There were no tickets left even though I got to the ADO station three hours early. Nevertheless, I went to the minibus stop and bought a ticket for that night because I wanted to leave the town which caused me suffering and fear.

The minibus's air conditioning was freezing, and the driver had been speeding along the treacherous mountain roads all night. I was holding my breath and praying at each turn.

Anyway, by the time I reached Oaxaca City at 6 am, the intense stress of the trip had left my entire body aching. Along with car sickness, I had chills, a stomachache, a stuffy nose, a headache, and a headache.

In addition, I lost my favourite lipstick, tiger balm, and my earbuds, which are the essentials of my daily life.

I had no choice but to rest in the hammock in the lobby since Thierry was still asleep and my room wasn't prepared for check-in. I tried to stay awake, but eventually, I dozed off.

Later, Thierry woke me up, and when I saw him, I immediately hugged him. I felt warm and comforted, just like I was with a member of my family.

Guelaguetza Festival

We attended the local Guelaguetza Festival, a celebration of the diversity of the 16 different ethnic groups in Oaxaca. People gathered and danced their own folk dances while dressed in regional costumes.

In addition to feeling suffocated and very uncomfortable due to the dark crowd and the loud music those days, I was also physically and emotionally sick.

I accidentally attended a Temazcal Ceremony while visiting Bacalar in June 2022, which I mistook for a typical Mexican sauna or spa. It was a Mayan ritual and cultural celebration about accepting our fears and embracing Mother Earth.

The ceremony's organiser gathered us inside a pitch-black dune (see image below), where we participated in chanting, speaking, and singing before being asked to shout out our fears. I was unable to shout, but later I spoke about my fears.

My fear of pain and suffering, my fear of losing the people I care about, my fear of losing the ability to experience or create beauty and love, my fear of living a boring life, my fear of freedom being taken away from me, my fear of being abandoned, and my fear of being rejected...

I had these fears but never felt like they were close to me, so I didn't feel fully part of the Temazcal Ceremony.

However, for some reason, I started having nightmares after that day.

Like when I was trying to communicate with my mother while I was in another world, or when I was living by myself in a foreign country and my mother appeared when I opened the door, she asked, "Are you still planning on coming back to me?" I got sleep paralysis sometimes;

The weirder thing is, in those days, my mum also had dreams about me, that I was little, and someone tried to take me away from her;

Alternatively, I sensed energy squeezing me into intangible darkness even during the day.

Up until my trip in July, I had actually experienced things that consumed and terrified me.

(Late night hikes and food poisoning).

street art by @a.chavez_art

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CggVdqDv4Awftb1sDZCNvePtiKvgwzjk5mSDVQ0/

One of my favourite street art in Oaxaca City touches upon a number of subjects that have been on my mind lately, including motherhood, mortality, life, reincarnation, fear, loneliness, beauty, and acceptance.

I initially found it difficult to express these emotions in Oaxaca City because the fear and darkness were so overwhelming and I didn't know how to cope with them.

There was another reason why, when I made the decision to leave Tulum and discovered all of those violent crimes against women, I told Z that I was scared and upset.

His response was:

“Now that you've made the decision to leave, all you can think about is expressing your emotions. However, all you want to do is burden me with your suffering. I hope you realise how self-centred you are someday and that you will thank me for being honest with you.”

...

I am speechless in regard to this conversation.

It was a pity that something meaningful had to end in such a meaningless way.

About Z, I still always wish him the best.

Just, after hearing those words, I was unable to express my negative feelings.

One day, when I was having breakfast with Thierry on the rooftop, I still felt the negative energy in me and wanted to close myself off.

He asked me what was wrong.

I felt incredibly uncomfortable inside but couldn't say anything about it. "You are on vacation, and I don't want my condition to interfere with your trip," I told him.

"I'm your friend," he said, "so it's okay."

We should do an exercise, he continued.

Let's concentrate on something, describe it in great detail, and then return to our feelings.

After three sessions, my tears were coming down so hard that I almost couldn't speak. But for the first time since the conversation with Z, all the tension, worry, and confusion had finally dissipated.

He listened intently throughout and then came to hug me. I felt healing and warmth at that time, and I felt safe and loved unconditionally as though I were in my mother's arms.

But why can't we accept our darkness and fear? Why do we constantly try to avoid these negative feelings? Yes, our fears can cause us to feel frightened, suspicious, and even miserable. They also help us become aware of how important it is to live in the present and to appreciate the beauty and power of "Fear".

To embrace the fear and live each day as it comes; to read; to go to a milonga and dance until we are exhausted; to learn the skills we want to learn; to fall in love with the people we want to fall in love with; to flirt; to express; to change; to explore; to create; and to live as if tomorrow doesn't exist.

I got better over the following few days! I had the most wonderful time with Thierry and Evelyn as we explored Oaxaca City.

He reminds me of my family, so I asked him, "Can you be my second mum?"

"Now I have three daughters," he replied.

Thank you for being there for me, treating me like a family member, and coming to meet me when I needed someone the most, Thierry.

I will always remember that.

24/6/22

Holbox, Mexico

The night of bioluminescence.

foto: reefcause

Even though I'm not much of a party animal, if the friends I'm with make me feel at ease, I'll dance all away. Am I an introvert? I don't think that's relevant.

Thinking more about being at ease is more relevant than being an introvert or an extrovert. To be honest, it's not easy for me to be completely relaxed in a group, or I'm more aware of the energy around me, which can sway my emotions.

I took this excerpt and wrote it on the first page of my diary:

I’m an Introvert.

I’m not shy.

I’m a noticer.

I am a thinker.

I’m an observer.

I’m not stuck up.

I’m not anti-social.

I treasure my solitude.

I’m not a fan of small talk.

I prefer a few close friends.

I am reserved until I’m not.

I appreciate the true connection.

If we connect, you matter to me.

the border between Mexico and Guatemala

Last night, Audrey and I went to a party where we chatted, laughed, and danced.

I had a slight hangover this morning when I woke up, and Charlie had already started preparing our lunch sandwiches. The first two locations we visited during the day weren't awe-inspiring; there were a lot of cenotes with crabs and passion islands with deadly mosquitoes; however, we eventually arrived at a coast known as Mosquito. There was nothing but a gorgeous beach—no people, no restaurants, and no bars.

I don't recall how long I dozed off on the beach, but Audrey roused me so we could enjoy the sunset, and I got more tanned.

To see the bioluminescence at Laguna after the sun had set, we had to travel through puddles, darkness, dusty roads, jungle, wetness, itching, and heat. The annoying mosquitoes, which were numerous, made this trip particularly difficult.

However, as soon as we entered the lake, I noticed those creatures that were just as brilliant and shiny as a fairy's magic wand. We were running a shallow area through the lake when fish swam away quickly, but they left behind a glowing line that resembled fairy wands in their wake. We were in a science fiction film.

Charlie told us he had fallen over when he run back to us, but it was really beautiful in the deep spot, and that was very tempting.

I said I didn't bring my bikini; I don't mind, do you guys mind?

Charlie said, "Shikin, just enjoy your moment; this is what matters; don't overthink."

Therefore, on such a night, I was swimming naked in the lake with the luminous creatures, and with every wave of my arms and every move of my legs, I could see many shiny creatures on me, around me, after me, that were similar to light coming from a milky way.

My skin will be completely bioluminescent when I stand up, but it will eventually fade away little by little.

It seemed miraculous—no, it was just a miracle that the stars were covering me.

Unquestionably, it was one of Mexico's most breathtaking nights.

The last part of my trip in Mexico was Mexico City and Guanajuato.

Guanajuato, Mexico

In Mexico City, I made two amazing friends named Marco and Miguel. I went to museums by myself during the daytime every day and went to the milonga with them at night. It was the best thing ever that the three of us would always go out for tacos at three or four in the morning!

CDMX

The last night I was in CDMX, we were at a restaurant, and they mentioned they were alumni of their university and lived so close to each other but had never met.

Ten years ago, they may have run into each other frequently without knowing each other, and now they are best friends.

A poem suddenly came to mind, written by Xi Murong.

佛说：前世的五百次回眸才能换得今生的一次擦肩而过，

The Buddha said: "It takes 500 glances back in a previous life, to get one chance to pass by each other in this life."

那么我要用多少次回眸才能真正住进你的心中？

So how many times do I have to glance back to truly live in your heart?

前世，我频频回眸

In my previous life, I glanced back very often

挥别的手帕飘成一朵云

The handkerchief for farewell becomes a cloud

今生，我寻觅前世失落的足迹

In this life, I search for the lost footprints of my past life

跋山涉水 走进你的眼中

I've travelled over the mountains and oceans to appear in front of your eyes

前世的五百次回眸换得今生的一次擦肩而过

Five hundred glances back in my past life, for a single passing with you in this life.

我用一千次回眸换得今生在你面前的驻足停留

I'll look back thousand times in exchange for staying with you in this life

问佛：要多少次回眸才能真正住进你的心中

So how many times do I have to glance back before I can truly live in your heart?

I translated this poem for them, I could not help crying even though I just translated a few sentences.

Although the cultures and languages were different, the emotions were similar and interconnected.

How fortunate we were to have come across one another in life.

I took a flight back to Cancun the next day and prepared the necessary paperwork for the trip. Met my Caribbean group friends at night, we had dinner, talked, danced, hugged, parted, and anticipated our reunion.

Cancun, Mexico

On August 12, I arrived at Cancun airport and was about to leave. I still recall that late March night when I had just arrived in Mexico, was exhausted from jet lag, and had no idea what would happen next.

Five months passed without my knowledge in a flash.

I appreciate you giving me such a special experience, Mexico.

Hasta Luego!

Tango, Argentina

My Tango Journey

Three years have passed since I knew about tango for the first time. I was travelling in Dalian, China, at the time. Lulu, my Airbnb host, told me she was hosting a Milonga.

"What is Milonga?"

Simply stop by and take a look.

The combination of tango music, wine, dress, high heels, suit, and embracing really took my breath away.

I got in touch with instructors in Beijing when I got home. However, it was near the end of my undergraduate degree programme, so I was concentrating on my project and returned to my hometown immediately after graduation, didn't have the chance to learn properly.

Then I relocated to the UK and made contact with tango instructors via Facebook. However, it was once again finals week, and after two exams and two essays, I took a flight to Berlin the following day. Covid was already out of control when I returned to the UK, I had to abide by quarantine rules, and then I had to complete my dissertation and internship before I could begin travelling.

Due to the abundance of outdoor activities to try, such as snowboarding, rock climbing, and scuba diving, I initially travelled to numerous small towns and villages.

Dahab, Egypt

When I first arrived in Cairo in August 2021, that's when I actually started learning the Tango. I communicated with Mourad, my tango instructor. After one dance with him, he said, "You are smart, you know how to look beautiful, but this beauty is just a cover for the fact that you don't know any techniques. I'm looking forward to teaching you from the ground up."

I don't want a superficial "like," I want "true love" from the bottom of my heart. Apart from visiting historical and cultural sites and spending time with people I adored, I also learned the Tango and attended many milongas in Cairo.

In October 2021, I returned to Dahab, a little diving town near the Red Sea, the place I called home. And after a three-month, I started to hit the road again.

Armenia

I went to Eastern Europe.

In Georgia, in addition to snowboarding, I took three Tango lessons with Cecilia and Levon. They praised me for being gentle and sensitive, saying that they enjoyed dancing with me because we connected and communicated well. But you have to have your own axis, grab your own highlights, and be strong; even if your partner leaves at any moment, you still must be beautiful and strong like always."

Then, in March 2022, I made my way to Tulum, Mexico, where I met Ariel, Luz, and Thierry. This group of friends got together almost every week, to dance, drink, or visit a cenote jeje.

Luz said: "The first thing that needs to connect is the earth floor, and then ourselves."

Those are all words for tango, and also for life.

one of my favourite couple (dancers and artists)

In August 2022, I arrived in Buenos Aires.

I adore how art permeates this city, how it is ingrained in people's DNA, and how it is created out of love.

There are nonstop performances, festivals, workshops, exhibitions, etc. happening all the time, everywhere.

I adore the beauty in this city, and I am also drawn to those who live a life dedicated to beauty.

Buenos Aires Never Sleeps.

So many nights I walked to different milongas, with my olive green vans, which have accompanied me to different continents, and now in South America.

One day I went to a milonga with my friend Shin at a cosy restaurant bar.

I really enjoyed that evening! All black, earrings, lipstick, and that's it—completely carefree and casual—was all I put into my appearance.

I came at almost two in the morning with my practice shoes, brought mooncakes, and we talked about the most recent rumours. We started dancing after I sensed Adan's cabeceo (Adan is one of my top 3 favourite dancers that I met in BA).

I questioned the purpose of the numbers I saw on everyone's backs at the end of the tanda. He replied in Spanish, which I couldn't understand, but responded, "Si.”

I accidentally signed up for a contest with him, and we ended up taking home the title!

Vegetables were given as a gift, which was funny and I love it! What a beautiful and spontaneous night. Such a true taste of life.

The sense of belonging

20/7/22

This day I went to the beach to read, and I made a new friend randomly, we talked about our own experiences, Ancient Rome and open relationships. After a couple of drinks, I suddenly had an idea, "Let's do an interview".

In front of the camera, slightly tipsy, words just flowing freely. I shared my feelings of not belonging since I was little.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CgX2TYsAxlgCyA9ifub4uCn7EwQLtsZNyr4FNA0/

Oaxaca, Mexico

I've been travelling for a while now, and I'm not sure where I belong.

I didn't have the idea of "I belong here" because I left for boarding school when I was 5 and only occasionally visited my family.

When I was 14, I moved to Beijing and left my hometown.

When I was 23 years old, I left my country.

I'm always travelling.

Yes, I'm always on the road.

I constantly engage in experiences, education, connections, thought, acceptance, etc.

My life is constantly changing, I'm constantly overwhelmed, and I'm constantly consumed.

My body and mind need to rest, and I need a place to call home.

La Plata, Argentina

I was incredibly anxious when I first arrived in Argentina. I was exhausted from the trip and just wanted to find an apartment for myself as soon as possible because I needed my own time and space. I couldn't connect with Argentina at the time, and I didn't want to connect with anyone. Nothing felt right.

Then I went to La Plata, my friend Luz's hometown. I met her friends and I felt warm, during the day I went to the church by myself to write in my diary, and at night I went to Milonga with her friends.

Thanks to Luz, I was able to meet her friends and appreciate the kindness you all showed me.

Tulum, Mexico

Three days after, I returned back to BA and rented the studio where I am living now.

I experienced a sense of calmness and homeliness.

Last August in Cairo, I had written down this:

"I belong to where I am, I belong to my body, my mind.

I belong to where I feel and create love and beauty.

I belong to myself."

For me, a sense of belonging results from a connection with ourselves, the actual location, the culture, the activities I engage in there, and the relationships I have with others. I don't believe that I have a particular cultural affiliation, but I find it very interesting to explore the world and all of its diversity in order to create my own way of life.

Iguazu, Argentina

I visited Chinatown after renting my apartment to purchase soy sauce, oyster sauce, bean paste, ingredients for hot pot, dumplings, tofu, etc.

These are like kite strings for my belly, to remind me of the feeling of home.

Later, my Mexican friends Laura and Leo visited BA; we went to a milonga, to the park, shared conversations, and attended classes together. We were always warm and loving to one another. I met also mi amigos. I feel so happy that I always meet interesting and loving people.

Sometimes, when I suddenly feel like going out, I search for a nice restaurant on the map and get dressed up to go on a date with myself, enjoying the meal, having free thought, and remembering my moods.

I am having a good time on my own and thinking of new ways to do so, along with being in harmony, happiness, and peace with myself. I am literally my best date ever.

I am quite used to being alone, and I enjoy it, but I also like sharing time with the people I meet, who are always sincere, kind, and fascinating.

I recently went with friends to a family and friends get-together in a tranquil and lovely suburb. There were times when I wished I knew more about them because I don't speak Spanish yet, but we have time and are not in a rush.

I didn't feel uneasy or like an outsider, and I wasn't depending on the stares to prove that I was there.

It was more than enough to have friends and family, food, chat, swimming, and a relaxing atmosphere.

I noticed a significant improvement in my sense of self-worth.

Of course, this is not an excuse to postpone learning Spanish, it can act as an incentive to help me grow; a language is a tool and a bridge, and a way to connect.

I aspire to connect with people, to connect with culture.

Otoño Tango

Hebe invited me to her show, Otoño Tango, Otoño meaning Autumn.

The show combines stage dancing, singing, poetry readings, and painting. Tango poetry is created by fusing contemporary dance vocabulary with elements of theatre and visual arts. The performance depicts a tailor and a painter who are both struggling with a lack of inspiration.

Autumn is a season that represents changes in status, transitions in life, the passage of time, and the endless justifications we offer for what we have lost. The muse repeatedly flees from artists and their desires. Autumn is a metaphor for what must be sacrificed in order to make room for something new, something unachievable, the real inspiration behind creation.

The poetry portion was in Spanish, and I saw this performance without doing any research beforehand, so I had a different perspective.

The painter appears lost in the world of art, where colour is all-pervading, whether it is due to fame, darkness, social standards, rules, loneliness, fear, etc.

In the world of the tailor, everything is measured, and his life is caged.

For me, Hebe, the Muse, represents the purest form of every human being since birth—a child or an angel—dressed in a simple, white costume. Her personality is brimming with grace, love, simplicity, and purity. She escapes the constraints and doesn't conform to society's expectations.

It is breathtakingly beautiful to watch the leaves dance as they fall, and it is so serene that it almost seems like a reconciliation with loss. We always find ourselves in the middle of loss in the end.

It is spring in Argentina in September, which reminds me of April in general, and "The Waste Land".

April is the cruellest month, breeding Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, and stirring dull roots with spring rain.

by T. S. Eliot

26

It's almost the end of the year, and I'm so happy that I got to celebrate my birthday in BA with the people I love.

Continually on the move, and I still am. I once heard someone say they envied me for having such a dashing and carefree lifestyle, and this is so "light". Although I am grateful for the blessings, how can my life be summarized to be light? What is light and what is heavy?

Since I haven't lived those lives and don't possess the authority to define others', I prefer not to judge how they live. The world is so big and diverse, we are extremely tiny. The ideas we have are constrained by the world we see and the life we live. It's all about acceptance, which is why having an open mind is so important.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Sabina, who rejects the kitsch, is my favourite character.

There is only the utmost beauty of life and reproduction in religion;

There is only the utmost beauty of complete endorsement of society in politics;

Beauty has a wonderfully compelling power but is also authoritarian.

When society consistently applies judgmental standards to determine whether or not individual behaviour complies with the rules, it turns into a prison.

"Deceiving or betraying others" has been Sabina's lifelong habit. She left her father first, then left her husband and her nation, before drifting to various other nations with a variety of partners. She has no sentimental ties to either her home or her nation. To ensure that she is living truthfully, she constantly breaks social norms, relocates, and takes new paths.

She is a person who lives a "light" life, is liberated and adventurous, hates the conventional values of the world, and regards kitsch as the enemy. However, she is unsure of the purpose of her 'betrayal'. This lost and drifting feeling, how can we just define it as "light"? Maybe it is for general social values, but it is an unbearable lightness of being.

Mendoza, Argentina

A story of love and darkness

The word ' darkness חוֹשֶׁך' is related to 'forget שוכח' in Hebrew.

When the light is forgotten, the memory is also lost.

Before World War II, Oz's parents had both immigrated from Europe to Palestine, and their lives there at the turn of the 20th century were difficult. Fania (Oz's mother) was a romantic girl who had spent her teenage years in Poland and studied literature in Prague, but she had to face the desolate desert of Jerusalem, not only with her dreams shattered but also with the Palestinian-Israeli conflict.

She lost faith in reality, and this stagnant life finally and slowly killed her as someone who yearned for her passions and dreams. She committed suicide as a result of numerous elusive "longings and yearnings"; death was a seductive lover.

Death is also the opposite of forgetting - remembering.

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Thank you for reading my journal.

This is my first blog, about autumn; the journey in Mexico; Tango;

and the sense of belonging.

26

A new chapter.

This website is a gift for myself.

See you soon for the next adventure.